Miss you guys....

Didn't get to sleep well yesterday night. I only fell asleep around 4 or 5 o clock. And some girl sent me a message in the morning and woke me up around 8 o clock...Aww man... Well, it happened right after I posted something on my blog. I thought I was sleepy. In fact, I was sleepy! =P But, couldn't fall asleep. Again, I was on my bed thinking about things that happened in the past months or past years. I really missed my friends who left Ipoh to study elsewhere. Couldn't really spend much time with them since I seldom see them. All I can do is to call them or message them occasionally, since I am just as busy with form 6 life. So much to study. I really can't wait to finish my term as a committee member in some clubs. I've been pretty much involved in co-curricular activities. No regrets, but the clubs have been one of the reasons that I feel drained. Lethargic. In school, I lacked motivation. A ship without a compass man! Haha.. But then still gotta go on...lol...till now I haven't figured out what I want to be after this. Sometimes I am very sure about what I want. Sometimes, I just hesitate too much. My parents have mentioned about sending me overseas to further my studies. But I'm kinda sceptical about that, coz I'm not so much of an independent person. I think I'll be homesick if I'm put in that situation. Hehe. Guess we have to wait till the day comes to see how it goes. There are so many people out there that I missed badly (aww yea...). Gavin, Kian Hin, Jason, Jian Yao, Ali, Ama, Alfred, Kenneth, Lam, Kar Fai, Kah Weng, Sara, Ah Liang and the list goes on. Though the distance that separates some of us is not big, I can still feel the emptiness. Sorry la Addie didn't mention your name coz I see you almost everyday in school! Maybe what I miss about you is some of the things that we used to do together awhile ago. Time passes by like no one's business (seriously!!), and what I, or we should do, is to do our best to make this a walk worth remembering for each other... ;)

A beginner without mistakes

I think I haven't told anyone about this. I didn't wanna talk about it. But I think it's high time to express what's in my mind here. Some time ago, I had a short stint as a guitarist in church. On and off I would be playing during service. I think that lasted for about 6 or 7 months. When I was first included in the worship team, I was actually quite happy to be frank, although I'm really afraid of being on stage.

Then, I was a beginner, with little experience and not so polished skills. Often I would miss a beat or something or sometimes I have some trouble with the tempo. Beginners are supposed to be like that, I guess? Playing the guitar is something that I really enjoyed doing, no doubt about it. I'm willing to learn if someone's gonna teach me or something.

But playing in church on the sanctuary has somehow become some kind of an experience that I wanted to forget about. Being up there is just like wearing another different mask. I had tried my best but somehow there's a greater expectation on me even as a beginner. Playing up there has become something that I dreaded. Even as a new, unexperienced person, I feel the pressure from people to make myself perfect up there. No space for mistakes. We've heard of many stories like that, of people leaving that kind of 'limelight' because of the mask they wear, masks that people put on them and masks that they put on themselves.

Since the day I started playing as a worship guitarist, a fellow guitarist who considers himself a senior in this area to me, never seemed to be near to helping me out. All I got was advice that were never near to being constructive. There was once I was made the lone guitarist for a worship session (usually there'll be two guitarists). Well, after everything ended, he (who didn't play that day) came up to me and told me something like "Hey, you know, just now I was so worried that you'll...blaa blaa...I was afraid that...blaa blaa...make any mistakes..." Wow, thanks. That's so much of an encouragement. Of course, after hearing that I didn't say a word. I thought he's supposed to be helping me or something. Come on, how long have you been listening? Did you hear me say, "I'm a beginner,"?

At another incident, both of us were playing in the same team. I was given the task to play the lead part for a certain song. Well, it sounded pretty ok, no mistakes, no nothing. And what I got in return was another negative feedback. I was asked why did I have to repeat the same riff and almost the same thing with little improvisation over and over again. Who do you think I am? A rock star like Slash or some Hillsong/Planet Shakers fella that people "worshipped"? I was trying my best and I don't have to please you! It's for Him! Of course I was pissed. See who's talking? What system is this that everything has to be perfect?

A couple of months ago I left that place, I quit as the guitarist and there never seemed to be any coming back as far as my journey is concerned. Even as a beginner, there's a tendency for people to pressure you so that you'll be flawless in front of people. Playing guitar is fun, minus the expectations. I think the purpose behind it is totally devalued. I never wanted to be up there again. With humility, I bowed down. I will continue to walk this path as a person who enjoys playing "secular" songs. Sorry man, no offence. When will we learn?

Finally, my mid year exam is over... my mind is blank at the moment, can't think of things to write...but I can't let this blog die...hehe...Just now I gave my primary school teacher who was my class teacher from standard 1 to standard 3 a phone call...obviously she still remembers me. LOL. Haven't seen her and talked to her for more than 7 years. Of course, she taught me chinese calligraphy till standard six, and because the many things that I did, it's really hard to forget a student like me. I could barely recognise her voice, man...and like last time, she can really talk! Hehe..Maybe one day I'll pay her a visit or something, since I'm having a two-week break...

My friends

Maybe after my exam I'll be having some posts about various people who have been influential in forming what I am at the moment....Hehe...hope it'll be a nice one...

It feels much better after the previous blog post... I've successfully "liberated" (correct usage of the word?) the tormenting thoughts in my head...hehehe -.-" Now the thoughts can be freely seen by others, at least a glimpse of it.

Question mark.

I just don't know what to say or what to write at the moment. I noticed that my posts have been getting darker and darker by the days. Basically, many questions are popping up in my mind, and I'm totally clueless as to how I'm supposed to respond to those questions. Probably I did too much of thinking. Too much of pragmatism. No. Certainly nothing wrong about thinking and pragmatism.

I'm holding myself back from doing a lot of things, in spite of my desperation. It's a total headache for me, since my exams are coming, and somehow, I've lost the motivation to bring things beyond the situation. I don't understand what is really happening. In times when I needed strength, I ceased to put any strength into use... People told me I look very distracted nowadays. I'm not denying anything. I AM distracted and messed up. I don't have a clue about what's what and what's gonna happen next.

All I want to say is a big thank you, to my dear friends (you know who you are), for the unending support and encouragement that you guys and gals have been giving me. I really need it. I am wordless about my gratitude towards you people, who have tried to be there sincerely for me. Distance never tore us apart. Words can never describe the love that we share with each other. Love has been the key to "outwit, outplay and outlast" the various difficult circumstances, in which some are self-inflicted, whereas the rest are due to a third party. Maybe it's not so victorious as to all things have been outwit, outplayed and outlasted, but at least things have been kept at bay. Things could be worse with my idiosyncrasy nowadays. In fact, my temperament had caused bad things to turn even uglier. For example, why did I choose to lose my temper over some crap in class about two months ago? I really don't know. I seek to learn from my mistakes just as much as I seek to learn from other's mistakes.

The ironic thing is, some just don't like give others breathing space. Breathing space to recover from past mistakes. They just don't want to listen to your side of the story. Self-righteous, holier than thou mentality. Sad. What happened to humanity? How far will this go? And how am I supposed to forgive them? How long more will the feud persist? It's so hard to walk the talk. Both forgiveness and reconciliation has been really big words to me. If you judge me from my actions, you'll know how far I am from understanding those words. Forgive me, I'm a wretched man. To talk more is to rub salt to my wound. Yes, my wound. Apparently, I haven't recovered totally from things. I'm in a downward spiral, probably. Well, one thing is that I've never stop hoping. It's high time to KICK MY ARSE if I don't act on what I say...Lol. =P Tired of empty words.

Jeune Homme: Our Great One, please grant us strength and wisdom to understand the circumstances that we're in, if not now, probably later in life...

Cross Country..

Muscle pain...ouch. Well this is not really a super competitive and super tough kinda cross country that I took part in. It's just another school level event. Amazingly I got a silver for my category...I'm more of a sprinter, not a long distance runner. Well, it's not too bad, only 5 kms...kinda short and without any obstacles. Could've got 1st really. I was leading all along and when I was near the finish line I decided to grab a drink without noticing someone actually overtook me. Lol. Well, it's weird..remember the story of the hare and the tortoise? Anyway, it's cool...Guess I should thank God that I've been given such ability. Sports has really been part of me since I'm young. Couldn't tell whether it's in my blood but things come so natural to me. Well gotta peel now, maybe I'll post something about how I took up sports later. Ciao!

I have been "away" for quite sometime...so did I miss out on anything?

Far Away

I refuse to let my mind linger over some past memories... Well finally I understand what the song "Far Away" by Nickelback means... Some things, they seem to be very near me, yet they are so out of reach. So close yet so far.

My parents are still in KL. It's has been 4 days... only me and my bro is left here in Ipoh. Seriously we don't have anything to do here, besides surfing the net, downloading songs and play games on the PS2 console. It's really inconvenient for us to get to where we wanted to go. I can drive but not allowed to do so without supervision. Wanna study..but feel lazy, and the problem is my mid year exam is real near, in 2 weeks time. I have one MUET paper left, which is the speaking test next Wednesday. I don't feel really nervous...at least for now... And I've just received a message from my dad tellin me that they are not gonna come back yet tonight...so the house belongs to me and bro for yet another day. We didn't wreak any havoc seriously. The only thing is that we have lotsa unwashed dished and laundry at home. Lazy us. We were so lazy that we've only cooked water once in four days... we ran out of clean supply of drinking water and we didn't even bother to do anything about that until this morning. I'm just wasting way too much time doing nothing. Help me!! ....Happy Labour Day to all the people who have been working hard to serve the community in various areas..